As depicted by Eugene O'Neill

Johnny Rydell

Act 1

The Set Up

The curtain opens on a fairly bustling sports bar. Large and two stories, with a pool room, a sushi bar, two dining rooms downstairs, banquet rooms upstairs. More than 30 TVs line the walls, most playing different sporting events, a few playing music videos which seems to be primarily from the 80's and 90's despite the fact that this is roughly 2010. There is a small stage with a professional sound system and lighting although at this time there's a few tables and diners seated there. The hostess and all the waitresses seem to be attractive women in their early 20's seemingly on their way to the club. But with just a whisper of Deadhead somehow too. The usual neon bar  lights, sign up for dart league, Tuesday night drink specials, upcoming sporting events, upcoming local entertainment, maybe The Pocono Duo, a regional favorite, an upcoming benefit for breast cancer awareness. A slim youthful man of about 40, enviable full head of light sandy brown hair with a vest over a T-shirt, a black cap with upturned brim, very Art Carney in the Honeymooners, very Tom Waits, is rifling through what appears to be an equipment storage walk-in closet, microphones, stands, cords on the walls, speaker cabinets piled high. He is focused. Furrowed brow. Agitated. It's apparent from the sharp look in his eyes that he is highly intelligent but also incredibly childlike in his relationship with the world and all the chaos behind him, the blaring house system, the blinking lights of the competitive games and the hurried wait staff are not helping. Nor the electronics spilling out onto the dining room floor. One senses, possibly from the way his hands shake when they are resting a bit from the formidable task at hand that Johnny needs a drink.

An older man enters, late 50's, a tad bulky but still a spring in his walk. Bald, with fashionable large black glasses and facial hair that resembles Walter White from Breaking Bad, although somehow it doesn't appear intentional. He's a bit more shabby chic than chemist gangster but they might shake hands at the arty meth lab. Attired all in black.  By his purposeful stride he is obviously there on some kind of buisness. The hostess senses this and just smiles and it is returned. The Man sees Johnny's posterior sticking out of the storage door. He smiles. He walks over and knocks hard on the wall beside the door. A loud crash from inside, obviously the startled Johnny has dropped a cymbal. His very red face swiftly emerges from the door.
'What the fuck??!' he screams. And then recognizes The Man. And although the scowl and the sneer don't much diminish there is just the slightest smile in the eyes, the barest hint of, 'Oh. You. Ok. Funny.'
'You ok?'
'Yeah. The sub on the left blew, I have to replace it and I can't find my back up one. '
'Sucks. Dave here?'
'Upstairs. In the office '
'Catch you on the way out if you need help.'
The Man climbs the stairs through the banquet room and down a hall. He sees the door with the sign reading 'manager' and enters without knocking.
Dave sits behind a desk. In his 40's tall, muscular and extremely athletic in his hockey jersey. He is studying paperwork on his desk. Without looking up he offers a very friendly greeting as The Man takes a seat in front of the desk. It is casually decorated, with sports collectables and classic rock memorabilia. But the large expensive desk and chairs of polished wood say, 'Success'.
'Wassup? This is unusual, no gig here tonight, visiting. I suspect this is not just a friendly visit. How was the drive?'
'Good, good. 80 is always good at this time. And it's good to see you. '
'You see Johnny down there?'
'Yeah. Coming in.'
'He ok? I can't see him on the TV thing here.'
'He's alright. He's got his head in the gear closet. No more pissed off than normal. He opening for me next time? I like it, it's good. The ex used to say "I don't know what the hell he's singing about but I like it.'
'We're going to talk about that. What's your thing first?'
'I need to borrow some money.'
Dave smiles in a warm and non condescending way. 'I figured. How much?'
The Man laughs nervously but also warmly, 'Wait. Lemme give you the pitch first.'
The Man unzips his hoodie and rearranges himself comfortably in the chair. He is relieved. He already knows the answer is yes. But the sincerity of the story is important.
'The ex is buying a house. There would be a room for the kid when he went there. He's with me most of the time now but I can't provide him his own room, he and I basically share a closet. She needs cash for the down payment. I already went to my sister and she turned me down, a tad humiliating if truth be told. You know the ex, she'll pay you back every dime. If she defaults, and she won't, I'll cover it. You have my word. I need 17 G's'.
Dave very casually takes out his check book and clicks his pen a few times. He asks two questions.
'She still got the boyfriend?'
'Yup.'
'You sure you wanna do this?'
'Yup'
Dave writes a check and hands it to The Man.  'Give her my best.'
'She thanks you. I thank you. The kid thanks you.'
The Man turns and heads for the door.
'Oh, wait, one more thing.'
The Man turns, 'Yes?'
'I want you and Johnny to share a set for the Christmas show.'
'Excuse me?'
'I think you and Johnny should play together. Like a duo.'
'Huh??'
'Yeah, he does a set, then you do a set and then you two play together.'
'Dave, I'm a solo act. I don't play with anyone else. You know that.'
Dave stares at the check in The Man's hand. The Man looks at the check in his hand.
'Got it.'
The Man descends the stairs as Johnny is carrying a large speaker cabinet toward the stage. The Man turns to Johnny. 'Wassup partner?'
The curtain falls.

Act 2

Christmas gig in the Poconos

The curtain opens to the same bar but now decorated for the holidays. Highly festive. The lights, garland, candy canes, a Christmas tree in the corner. There are two stools set up on the stage now, it is evening, it is the late show. There are a couple dozen or so people scattered throughout the room. Some of them look to the stage in anticipation. Two or three will have their back to the stage, drinking at the bar, at least for a bit, at the beginning, oblivious to their rudeness. Sports bar etiquette. The sound system is playing Tears For Fears. There had been a huge snow storm that morning and the sound of the plow in the parking lot can be heard occasionally. Johnny and The Man take the stage. Both of them have acoustic guitars that look like they have been through the war. They sit. The Man seems to be telling a dirty joke to a guy at the front table off of the mic. They don't seem like they want to give a show really, it's as if their indifference IS the show. A little too cocky for the Poconos. And Christmas really. They strum a few chords, Johnny reaches over and adjusts the sound. He takes a large gulp from his bourbon and coke. He yells '1,2,3,4!' They start to play. It is a similar sound to a plane taking off. It is a wall like pulse that kicks off The Ramones, 'Merry Christmas ( I don't want to fight tonight)'. The customers look up from their phones. ( As a matter of fact later in the show The Man yells at someone to put down their phone. People clap. She walks out. Dave follows her out to the parking lot. She comes back in with him. He buys her a drink. It's as if this kind of thing happens all the time.) They go into their second song, a spirited rendition of Dylan's 'Maggie's Farm' In the last verse, after a scorching guitar solo from The Man, Johnny walks over and whispers, 'You got this?' 'Sure'. Johnny puts down his guitar and goes to the bar to freshen his drink, back in time to start 'Blue Christmas '. It's as if this kind of thing happens all the time. Johnny can do both Joey Ramone and Elvis shockingly well. It's the vulnerable heart thing. And now, after a sufficient amount of drinks Johnny has softened. 'Let's do the Grinch!' Johnny says.
The Man gets off his stool and stares at the crowd menacingly. The people at the bar have turned, curious, getting the joke. Y'know, possibly the big existential joke.
'YOU'RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH!!!'
Johnny effortlessly negotiates the chords.
At the conclusion, to as much applause as
17 people can muster, the lights dim. A solo spotlight shines on Johnny. He puts down his guitar as The Man, seated in the dark, begins a dramatic arpeggio, almost a slow waltz.  Johnny takes a sip of his drink, it is obvious he can take as much time as he wants. He seems far away, deep in thought, not really here, another place, another time. Then he raises the microphone to his lips and begins:
'Oh Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining...'
All of the TV's in the bar suddenly stop playing  sports. There is brief static and some Videodrome like images and then what appears to be a photo gallery. We see an image flash from a young boy's childhood, growing up at Christmas. There's one of a little guy holding a plastic guitar by the Christmas tree, probably his first, another is the same kid, older now, Alice in Chains T-shirt, Kiss pajama bottoms, staring at some vinyl he received, these are all pictures of Johnny. As Johnny sings the fucking shit out of 'O Holy Night' we watch as his life is portrayed before us, not chronologically, but bouncing back and forth, the young budding rock star with a dream, his jean jacket with the giant Melvin's patch. The pictures of him at the hospital. The Christmas he missed before the meds. His first days doing sound at this bar. A 15 year old with a Guns and Roses poster. And in Johnny's singing 'O Holy Night' the 17 people are transported to THEIR childhoods at Christmas, that magic time, and you can see in their eyes that they are genuinely revisiting the beautiful promise of that season: people are good. Santa is a representation of kindness and generosity. They will feel this spiritual uplifting every year for their whole lives without fail at Christmas time. That was the promise. Somewhere along the line it had been derailed in a snow storm.
By the time Johnny gets to the 'CHRIIIIST DEEVINE!!!' part, this is like Axel belting 'Night Train' (or Ian Gillian belting 'Sweet Child of Child of Mine' for you older folks. Or Trippie Redd bringing it hard for you younger folk.)  At the conclusion of this song the 17 people, the wait staff and The Man have all become aligned with one thought: Fuck the bills, fuck the storms, fuck the ailments, fuck the Nazis in your family, fuck the ex, it's fucking Christmas. Joy to the fucking World.
The Man sings 'Waiting For The Man' He does an Iceberg Slim poem in the middle. Johnny is very drunk now. Nonetheless he never misses a chord or a lyric, he is just less inhibited. He takes the solo crouching before the rack of pedals at his feet. He spins knobs that produce feedback squeals and divebomb effects. They play 'Rock Around The Christmas Tree'. They play 'Jingle Bell Rock'.  'Santa Claus is Comin' To Town'. Someone requests Sinatra they respond with, 'These Boots Are Made For Walking '.
The spotlight pans to a young couple entering the bar. They are holiday travelers on their way to Akron. They had to pull over because of the blinding storm. They have stumbled into this bar in an otherwise deserted town by happy accident. They're tired. They're cold. Dave buys them drinks. They ask if the musicians are playing holiday songs. Johnny hears this and counts off  an extremely fast 'California Sun.' The travelers are taken aback. At this point all the TV's which had switched back to sports are showing images of Janet and Brad from Rocky Horror. The duo play 'Wipe Out'. They dance, they play act surfing, The Man does the drum solos on congas which are on the stage. He plays so hard his ring cuts into his finger and he bleeds all over his surroundings .The travelers reconsider their happy accident. They play 'Run Run Rudolph '. Now the joint is jumpin'.  They play 'Christmastime in Harlem'. They play Slade's 'Merry Christmas Everybody!' and 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' then Johnny throws down his guitar, grabs the microphone and shouts 'ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!!!' as they begin the set closer 'Rockaway Beach '. Johnny is possessed. He lunges from the stage screaming the lyrics on the dance floor, singing three inches from Brad and Janet. He doubles back to the stage and kneels by his pedal board contorting his vocals. He fixes on a phrase and loops it then lets go with a blood curdling scream which he again captures and then plays it back, echoed and looped at a deafening volume. He kicks over his guitar, grabs a bottle tripping over the monitor but somehow not falling despite being almost horizontal with the ground and stomps upstairs to Dave's office, his repeated echoed screams continuing behind him. The crowd applauds as the screams fade. They turn to finish their drinks. It's like this kind of thing happens all the time. Amy Winehouse's 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' plays over the sound system.
The curtain falls.

Act 3

The Visit

When the curtain raises. the entire bar is gone. There is no trace of it. Not a remnant remains. There isn't anything that would remotely suggest a bar.The entire stage has been transformed. At first glance, the six large Corinthian columns suggest Platonic dialogues, a Roman courtyard perhaps. But although the stage is completely bathed in a luxurious pale white light, on closer inspection we see the columns are huge hollow glass tubes with a white cloud like vapor that dances gracefully within. This is what is providing a comfortable otherworldly atmosphere and illumination. It's as if whoever designed the Korova Milk -Bar in Clockwork Orange got a raise. A really really really big raise. And was directed 'Find your Happy Place '. Although this all gives the illusion that the set is floating in the clouds, the entire floor is a Zen like white beach. A white grand piano sits in the sand. The Man and Johnny are seated in ivory pearl theater seats, the exact shade and texture of a set of 1968 Ludwig drums. The seats are the reclining kind, with the table that swings in place like a child's highchair. It looks like The Man and Johnny are waiting for a performance. They are the only ones there. Ambient music, light, soothing, like you are boarding a flight on Virgin airlines plays now. It all suggests Willy Wonka and Pee Wee Herman in an opium dream. Through large screens in the rear of the stage that act as windows we see a herd of giraffes eating the leaves of apricot trees. Because the set is so white the colors of these fields are a bold juxtaposition, the giraffes are in greens and pinks, the trees are psychedelic colors that shift. They are smoked filled glass sculptures as well. The fields are an electric blue, very Yellow Submarine animation. Skirting the columns skillfully flies a young woman with fashionably styled short blonde hair, a Gotham Girls roller skating tattoo, a T-shirt depicting a scene from 'My Dinner With Andre', a pen behind her ear, and more than a  considerable resemblance to Alabama from True Romance. The only distinguishing difference between her and Alabama actually, although admittedly it's a big one, is that our waitress here has wings. Like fully spread they gotta be 10 feet wings. Well yes, that is a difference. Anyway she's spry and quick and literally flies through the air right over to Johnny and The Man kinda floating in front and a bit above them like a hummingbird.
'Anything?'
Johnny asks The Man if he wants anything.
'How are the tacos?'
'Good. Yeah.'
'Are they genuine tacos?'
'Huh?'
'Are they genuine Mexican tacos?'
'Yeah. Pretty much. Most of the cooks here are Hispanic.'
'Ok. Tacos '
(Waitress) 'How many?'
'How many?'
'You having any?'
'Maybe two'
'Okay. Then five.'
'Five please.'
(Waitress) 'Drinks?'
'You want a drink?'
'They got Dr. Pepper?'
'You got Dr. Pepper?'
The waitress, getting a wee bit impatient nods affirmative.
'Two Dr. Peppers'
The waitress jots it down and flys away.
In the large window like projections at the rear of the stage we see an elephant crossing the fields. It is a shiny fire engine red with yellow circles of various sizes as if designed by Yayoi Kusama. It passes the giraffes, they pay no attention to each other. The elephant gets increasingly bigger and he covers the screen and then the audience realizes the illusion is he's headed to the area where Johnny and The Man are seated. From the rear of the stage an actual red and yellow elephant lumbers into the room. The elephant slowly and with no hint of threat stands beside Johnny and The Man. The second the elephant is stationary the waitress flies out with their food order. She is completely unperturbed at the presence of the elephant. As a matter of fact she seats herself on the elephant and bends to serve them their order from her tray. It's as if this kinda thing happens all the time.
When their tacos, drinks, cutlery, napkins are situated before them, a bunch of small jars are placed on the table.
'Anything else?'
'Do they have hot sauce?'
'Do you have hot sauce?'
'All different kinds in those jars. Labeled.'
'Sour cream?'
'Sour cream?'
'Jar'
'Oh. Great. We're good then, thanks '
She flies off.
Johnny and The Man begin to eat. They are both silent. Quiet, focused on eating. Similar to the end of Big Night with Stanley Tucci. They finish their meal. It has been a long time of relative inaction for the theater goers. We collectively feel a small impatience. Finally The Man finishes, he takes the napkin from his lap, wipes his mouth and puts the folded napkin on his plate. He looks around. 'Should we get dessert?'
Just then the elephant raises his trunk and let's out a screamingly loud trumpet blast. BALLLOOOOO!
'Why did you do it Johnny? Why?'
Johnny wipes his mouth with his napkin and smiles, 'Oh Christ, enough was enough.'
From the rear of the stage, headed to the piano comes Brian Wilson. He is long haired, bearded and heavy, wearing a thick belted bathrobe, very Buddha like. He wades through the sand barefoot and sits at the piano.
The Man is incredulous . 'Are you fucking kidding me??!?'
'Told ya.'
Brian Wilson begins the chords to 'God Only Knows'
Before the vocal begins The Man whispers to Johnny, 'Was the elephant thing too obvious?'
'No, it was good. It's all good.'
As the strains of Brian Wilson singing 'God Only Knows' increases in volume the curtain slowly descends.

The End